Once Upon A Warped Time
by RivanKnight
Summary: Chapter4 is up! Warped versions of fairy tales done the HP way!
1. Introduction

/** Author's Note: All characters belong to JKR. All tales are warped versions of the original. :: means author speaking. Dun sue :P (R/R) **/

Once Upon A Warped Time… by RivanKnight® 

A voice crackles out from the school's announcement system.

*click* :: Testing…testing. WILL ALL FAMOUS HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS PLEASE REPORT TO THE MAIN DINING HALL…*static*… I REPEAT. WILL ALL FAMOUS HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS REPORT TO THE DINING HALL. *click*

*click* :: NOW! *click*

~@~

"BLOODY HELL! WHAT IS IT???!!!" Slamming his book down hard on the pitiful desk, our famous unfriendly neighbourhood Potions Master stands up angrily and stalks out of his office. While muttering curses, hexes and whatnots, Severus Snape also manages to conjure a hundred different and painful ways to kill the announcer with a toothpick. Ok, that's a tad exaggerated. Two toothpicks.

~@~

All famous characters are now at the dining hall awaiting instructions. Author takes out checklist and is ticking away at the little boxes beside the names.

:: Ok, when I call out your names, just acknowledge. Albus?

"Yes."

:: *tick* Ok… And stop hogging the bowl of gummi bears please. Thank you. Next is Minerva?

"Present."

:: Good good. *tick* Severus?

*silence*

:: Severus? Severus Snape? 

*silence*

:: Helloo? Has anybody seen Sev-

*soft whisper "yes…"*

:: Erm. Did I hear something? Severus, is that you? Hello?

The students and teachers look around curiously.

"YES! YES! I'm here! DAMMIT!"

Author spots robed figure hiding right at the back, grumbling away.

:: *brightly* Oh there you are!! *tick*

Tickings…

:: Alright, all NEEDED professors are present. Now for the students… Harry and his sidekicks?

"Right here!"

:: Okay. *tick* *tick* *tick* Draco Malfoy?

"Yess?"

:: Keep on sneering blonde boy and you're out. *tick*

"Sorry…" Draco mutters sullenly.

:: Crab and Goyle??

"Yes!!"

:: NO!! What the hell are the two of you doing here? I said FAMOUS CHARACTERS! OUT! NOW!

"Hey! They go where I go! My fath-"

:: Oh please. I call the shots here now, not _dear daddy_. So… They go where you go eh? Alrighty. *smiles sweetly*****

Author whips out script book, grins and scribbles on it. 

:: Crabb and Goyle, you're in. 

The three Slytherins smirk as one.

More tickings…

:: Ok, last but not least, Filch?

"I'm down here. Eh… Mrs Norris can join us too right?"

:: *sigh* Can't you do ANYTHING without that blasted cat??

*blank look*

:: *double sigh* Yes, yes, whatever. Bring your cat, your dog, your goldfish… I don't care… *tick*

Author stands up and looks around.

:: I have good news and better news. Which one is it?

"GOOD!!!" All except Severus yell out.

:: Fine. Good news is… I have written a new story for you all to be in!! And we will be filming it!

*loud cheers all about*

:: Good to see everybody is so enthusiastic! The better news is…

*all except Severus wait with bated breath*

:: IT WILL BE A SPECIAL FAIRY TALE!!! *beams around*

*silence*

:: WHAT?? Oh come on, you WILL love it! And besides… It's. An. Order. *cold look*

*weak claps*

:: A-HA!! You love me! You really love me!! 

*weaker claps*

:: Each of you will receive a script book (already automatically modified). I want you to go through your lines. Most of you will have more than one role each and filming will start tomorrow. Oliver, Seamus, Neville and Dean, please meet me at the bench over there. You boys don't have a role for you are not THAT famous. Therefore you will be my stage crew. Costumes, lighting, camera etc will be your responsibilities. Is everybody clear? Good. Script books are in the box over there. You can go somewhere else to practice but meet near Hagrid's hut tomorrow morning at 9am sharp. Move!

*scrambling of chairs*

Author proceeds to give instructions to the four boys.

~@~

Loud screams (some in delight, most in horror) resound across the dining hall as students and professors stare bug-eye (some in delight, most in horror) at the roles they have to play.

Hagrid: *sniff* Ah, wat's new… I'm playing a giant! Why can't I have roles with more substance… *honk* (A/N: I have no idea how to write the way Hagrid talks, so it's pretty normal English. Just imagine his voice. =p)

Hermoine: *pat pat* Don't be sad Hagrid! Think of it this way, you will be the only one with experience! Prof Flitwick had it worse, he's playing all SEVEN dwarves!

Harry, Ron: Wicked! 

Hagrid: *sigh* So watcha kids acting as?

Harry: I'm Hansel, Jack and a fairy for Sleeping Beauty.

Hermoine: And I'm Little Red Riding Hood, Snow White and Gretel!

Ron: And I'm the fairy for Sleeping Beauty and the prince that gets to kiss Sleeping Beauty!

Triple H: Oooo!

Harry: So who's Sleeping Beauty?

Ron checks book.

Ron: EEE!! PANSY PARKINSON??

Triple H: Eeeww.

Hermoine: Wait… You are NOT the prince for Snow White?

Ron: Nope.

Hermoine: *flatly* Who is the prince then?

Ron checks book.

Ron: Erm… Malfoy…

Hermoine: Excuse me… *stalks off to girls' bathroom*

Somewhere at a corner…

Draco, Goyle and Crabb are busy flipping through the script books.

Draco: *screams* PIGS??? WE ARE PIGS???? 

*blank looks from Goyle and Crabb*

Draco: I… You… Pigs… what?… this… I… 

*even blanker looks from Goyle and Crabb*

Draco: Oh, at least I'm a prince. Snow White eh? Hmm… *flips book* Granger???? 

*even more blanker looks from Goyle and Crabb*

Draco: I… You… Mudblood!… what?… this… I…

Somewhere at ANOTHER corner…

Albus: Ah… I'm the King! 

Minerva: For?

Albus: Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella. And yours?

Minerva: I'm the Queen for all of those three and will be Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother.

Albus: I see. And Hilda?

Hilda: I'm Jack's and Red Riding Hood's mother! Can you imagine me being that??

*silence*

Hilda: Bah. Anyway, I'm also one of the three fairies for Sleeping Beauty.

Albus: Not bad. *glances about* Has anybody seen Severus?

Minerva: He went to look for our author. He looked very upset.

Albus: *tsk* He has to lighten up; being gloomy does him no good at all! 

Minerva flips through book and gawks.

Albus: What is it?

Minerva points weakly at a page. Albus and Hilda peer in for a closer look and gawk too. 

Death Eater #1 – hunter who kills big bad wolf and footman #1 (for Cinderella)  

Death Eater #2 – gives magic jellybeans to Jack in exchange for a Blast-Ended Skrewt and footman #2 (for Cinderella) 

Lucius Malfoy – big bad wolf (for both LRRH n 3LP), evil stepmother of Snow White and Cinderella 

Voldemort – wizard who cursed Sleeping Beauty and evil witch in Hansel/Gretel

Albus: *cough* Hmm…

Hilda: Erm, check THIS one out…

Albus, Minerva: Oh dear…

Severus Snape – (?)

A/N: What will his roles be? Stay tuned! Bwahaha….


	2. Jack and The Beanstalk

/** Author's Note: All characters belong to JKR. All tales are warped versions of the original. :: means author speaking. Dun sue :P (R/R) I got reviews! Sweet! Lots of thanks to:

Deidre – Thanks! I cracked my head over what our Potions Master's roles are!

Ciggy – Hello! Ok, I will add more Albus and Minerva for you!

Karine Black – Thanks for reading this :) Glad you like it!

Werecat99 – Howdy! Thanks for reading this and my LOTR one!! I hath thee on author alert too!

S_Star – I HOPE it's gonna be a laugh! Heh heh… Yep, I know what LMAO means now! 

Crabtree – Thanks thanks, you not that old!

Totally Cliched – Hope you like this one  :)

All Mighty Terrestrial – Hello and thanks for the kind review!  **/

Once Upon A Warped Time… by RivanKnight® 

It's 8.30am. Most of the students involve in the filming are already standing outside Hagrid's hut. Engaging in mindless chatter, many seem quite enthusiastic to be in the fairy tale. A sharp contrast indeed, from their initial reaction yesterday when the author announced her plans. Perhaps it's the realisation that this is an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be in front of a camera. Or maybe it's just the effect of an _encouraging_ note (penned by the author herself) they found underneath their respective dormitory doors this morning. Written in blood. Anyway… OH LOOK! It's 9am! Time flies when you are narrating. 

~@~

Author appears holding a loud speaker in hand, script book tuck in the back pocket of her Levi's® jeans.

*click* ::  Testing… testing… Gooood morning! I see everybody is here on time! Looking EN-THUU-ZIASS-TIK eh? *insane laughter* Hahaha! Hahaha! *click*

*Nervous looks from both students and professors* Looks like the students are not the only ones to receive an _encouraging _note (penned by the author herself) found underneath their doors. Written in blood.

*click* :: Now then, following the schedule, we will have Jack and The Beanstalk first. Those involve in this tale please proceed to the dressing room where you will change into your respective costumes. Stage crew will now be known as filming crew since we are FILMING a tale not STAGING it! *insane laughter* Hahaha! S-s-staging!! Get it?? Hahaha! *wipes tear* Oh man… I kill me… *click* 

*awkward silence*

Ron: *whispers* Er… What's GOT into our author??

Harry: *whispers* I think it's the caffeine…

Ron: Ha. Ha. 

Harry: *grins* See you later, Ron! I have to go change.

Ron: Later Harry! Good luck!  

*click* :: People… people… We don't have all day… SO DON'T JUST STAND THERE! MOOOVE!! *click* 

~@~

The rest of the crew scrambles off to a corner to be the 'audience'. Author stalks off to give last instructions to the filming squad and to check on the backdrop, props and the Blast-Ended Skrewt.

:: Is everything ready?

Filming squad: Yes boss! All ready, boss!

:: Well done! Now… As for YOU… *growls at Blast-Ended Skrewt* Listen you little pathetic BUG, I want absolute co-operation from you. Don't even attempt to bite any of my crew, YOU GET THAT SHELL-BUTT!! *pulls out cattle prod and waves it in front of the shivering skrewt*  

Rumor has it that the filming crew swore they could see the skrewt flinch just then. However, seeing that it has no head, we have no means of verifying how true the story is… 

~@~

The dressing room is located a stone's throw away from Hagrid's hut. Basically, it's a big trailer that can accommodate roughly ten adults, ten house-elves, five mini dressing tables and plenty of clothes rack. 

Hilda: Oh my, a cotton beige dress?

Tinky the nervous house elf: Oh y-y-yes P-professor Hooch, p-p-please get dress now! *whispers* Before SHE comes…

Harry: Who's 'she', Tinky?

Tinky the nervous house elf: O-o-oh No!!! Harry Potter mustn't ask of her! Tinky cannot say… O-oh! Bad Tinky! *whacks self with clothes hanger* Bad Tinky!! *whack* *whack* 

Hilda: Ooo-kaaay… 

*whack* *whack*

Harry: Riiight… 

*whack* *whack*

Harry and Hilda hurry to get dress before Tinky does further damage to the clothes hanger. And also before she starts a train reaction of sELF-abuse as the rest of the house elves present look ready to burst into tears any second. 

Harry: Ouch!

Hilda: What's wrong??

Harry: My scar… It hurts… *rubs scar with hand*   

*Jaws music plays* Da-dum da-dum da-dum…

*BANG* The trailer door slams open.

Harry, Hilda and all the house elves scream in horror: AAIIEEE!

Death Eater #2: *cheerfully* Hello! Morning! Where's my costume? Is my hair right? Harry! Let's practice our lines! Oh my gawd! Dressing tables! Wow! Pantry too! This is great! This is incredible! You have no idea how excited I am about this movie! I have been dreaming about this since I was a little boy! Wow! I mean when I was 8, I wanted to be an auror… Yes! You heard right! Anyway… …  *rattles on*

Hilda: *whispers* Merlin… I thought Lockhart was annoying enough…

Harry: *nods mutely*… Ouch!

Hilda: What's wrong?? Again.

Harry: My scar… It hurts… Again. *rubs scar with hand*

*Jaws2 music plays* Da-dum da-dum da-dum…

*BANG* The trailer door slams open. Again.

A black robed figure shuffles slowly into the room and slumps into a cushion chair.

Voldemort: _C…o…f…f…e…e…_

*silence*

Voldemort: _C…o…f…f…e…e…_

*silence*

Death Eater #2: Boss!! Hey boss! Glad you can come boss! Isn't this place great?

Voldemort: _C…o…f…f…e…e…_

Death Eater #2: Coffee, boss? Hey, need some coffee here! You there, get me a cup now!

Voldemort: *irritated* Stop shouting you little maggot… My head hurts… *groans*

Voldemort looks up at Harry and sneers.

Voldemort: What do we have here, eh? Potter! Ha! You- *groans* _C…o…f…f…e…e…_

Death Eater #2 presents his Lord with a cup of java and watches as his Lord sips contentedly through the straw, his pale, wrinkled and non-human-like face relaxing in bliss. At this instance, Neville walks in and motions to them that filming will start in 5 minutes. The crew leaves the trailer quickly towards the filming area where a makeshift wooden house stands.

~@~

Author walks towards the crew.

:: DE2, here's the jellybeans… Ok people, I want you to act natural. Not too bland, not too exaggerated, natural. Say it with me now… 

All: Natural.

:: Right. Take your places now. We will start off with Harry and Hilda in the house.

*click* :: …. FILMING CREW! GET READY!… I want complete silence on the set! *click*

Harry and Hilda take their places within a makeshift wooden hut.

:: LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!

Neville: Jack and the Beanstalk! Scene 1! Take 1! *CLACK*

Jack: Mother? 

Mother: Yes dear?

Jack: Mother, I have a hole in my sock. *starts crying*

:: CUT! CUT! CUT!

*the audience murmurs*

:: Harry my boy… WHY ARE YOU CRYING??

Harry: *sobs* I'm so sorry… It's just that… *sniff* I never had a mother… I mean I NEVER called anybody mother before…

:: Oh boy… Should have seen that one coming…

Harry: Ok… I'm fine now… Sorry everybody! *wipes tear away*

Dumbledore and Minerva shake their head and sigh. They know too well how hard this must be for Harry. 

:: Alright, lets start over.

:: LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!

Neville: Jack and the Beanstalk! Scene 1! Take 2! *CLACK*

Jack: Mother? 

Mother: Yes dear?

Jack: Mother, I have a hole in my sock.

Mother: Yes dear.

Jack: May I buy new clothes?

Mother: I'm afraid not dear. *sighs dramatically* 

Jack: Why mother?

Mother: *wails* BECAUSE WE ARE TOO FARKING POOR! *audience gasps*

:: CUUUT!

Hilda: Oops…

:: Farking poor? Too damn fark-ing poor? 

Hilda: Er… I mean… poor…

:: *hiss* Riight. We will start from 'Why mother?' I will just say LCA this time.

:: L! C! A!

Neville: Jack and the Beanstalk! Scene 1! Take 3! *CLACK*

Jack: Why mother?

Mother: *wails* BECAUSE WE ARE TOO F- *cough* POOR!

Jack: *wails dramatically and waves arms* NOOoooo…!

Author flinches inwardly and decides to let this one past. Too much time has been wasted on scene 1 alone.

Mother: Yes, Jack. We are so poor our cupboards are almost bare. We are so poor we have holes in our socks. We are so poor we suck rock to get water. We are so poor that we have to eat carrots for EVERY meal. We are so poor we have to wear our underw-

Jack: Yes mother! OK! I get the idea… 

Mother: Good. Now be a dear and entertain Jenny please.

Jack: Ok mother. 

~@~

*Dumbledore blows softly into a tissue*

Dumbledore: *whispers to Minerva* This is so sad! Carrots for EVERY meal?

Minerva: *dabs eye and whispers* Yes, Albus… I know… I know…

Flitwick: *squeak*

~@~

Jack goes out of the house and plays apprehensively with Jennifer, the Blast-Ended Skrewt. 

Jack: Here, Jenny…erm… Hi… erm…

Jennifer: *some unknown sound that means anger*

Author fingers cattle prod loosely in one hand. 

Jennifer: *some unknown sound that means whining*

Jack: Good skrewt, good skrewt…

:: CUT! Ok, that was great. Get ready for scene 2 please. 

Death Eater #2 leaps excitedly to his feet. 

Death Eater #2: It's my turn!! Oh my, I'm so nervous… Merlin, merlin, merlin!

Voldemort: CRUCIO!

Death Eater #2 writhes in pain on the floor.

Voldemort: *snarls* Idiot! Do not embarrass me!

Death Eater #2: *writhing* S…orry… boss… 

*BRRRZZZT*

Voldemort: ARRGH!!! 

:: Lord or no Lord, everybody, including you, are under me now. No one gets hurt without my permission, except for the elves. Are we clear on that? Eh?

Voldemort: CRU-

*BRRRZZZT*

Voldemort: AARRGGHH!! YES YES!!

:: *grunt* Glad to have your cooperation.

Dumbledore: *muse* A cattle prod? Why didn't I think of THAT!

Voldemort: *glares* Don't think about it, old man…

Dumbledore smiles back with that knowing twinkle in his eyes.

~@~

:: L! C! A!

Neville: Jack and the Beanstalk! Scene 2! Take 1! *CLACK*

Mother: Jack my son… I have to tell you something…

Jack: *panic* What is it mother?? What? What??

Mother: *sobs* We have to sell Jenny.

Jack: YE- I mean NOOOooooo…! *wails dramatically and waves arms*

Author winces and rubs her temples. 

Mother: Yes Jack, the skrewt must go. And make sure you sell her for no less than 5 Galleons.

*HONK*

Hagrid: Poor Jenny… Boo hoo…

:: Ssshhh!

Hagrid: *whispers* Sorry…

Jack skips sadly out of the house.

Jack: Come Jenny, we're going for a walk. 

Jennifer: …

Jack and Jennifer take a walk…

DE2: Hello there, boy! I see you have a fine skrewt with you.

Jack: Yes sir, this is my pet skrewt, Jennifer, sir.

Jennifer: …

DE2: Going for a walk?

Jack: *fake sob* No sir… I… I have to sell her!

DE2: *gasps and places hand on chest* No!

Jack: Yes sir. Mother says to sell her for no less than 5 Galleons. We are very poor you see. 

DE2: Poor?

Jack: Yes sir. We are so poor our cupboards are almost bare. We are so poor we have holes in our socks. We are so poor we suck rock to get water. We are so poor that we have to eat carrots for EVERY meal. We are so poor we have to wear our underw-

DE2: Ok! I heard enough! Tell you what, I will buy your skrewt.

Jack: You will?? How much?

DE2: I will give you magic jellybeans in exchange for that skrewt, Jack.

Jack: Magic jellybeans? Sir, please don't kid me. By the way, how did you know my name?

DE2: Magic! It's all about magic!

DE2 begins to perform many wondrous tricks with his wand and convinces Jack that magic jellybeans do exist.

Jack: It's a deal! 

DE2: Here you go! *hands over a pouch*

Jack: *peers* It's empty!

DE2: What?! 

:: CUT! What's wrong now?

DE2: The bag is empty… The jellybeans are gone!

:: *sigh* Albus, may I have a word with you please?

Albus: Yes?

:: You ate them didn't you.

Albus: *wide-eye* I have no idea what you are talking about.

:: The jellybeans, Albus. You ate the jellybeans.

Albus: It wasn't me!

:: Say 'AH'…

Albus: AH…

:: *sniff* Lemon… ear wax… *sniff* green peas… mango pudding…

*Albus manages to look sheepish*

:: Don't do that… EVER again…

Albus: *nods guiltily*

*click* :: LISTEN! *static*… I need more BERTIE BOTTS… Get me some NOW! Because your HEADMASTER ate the ones we had!… *click*

Minerva: Albus! You ate the props!

Albus: I couldn't help myself! It's lemon drop, day in day out… I'm sick of it!

A deep smooth velvet voice speaks up from behind…

Severus: THAT would be the day…

Minerva, Albus: Severus!! Where have you been??

Severus: *growl* Don't ask.

Minerva: We…erm… saw the roles you will be playing… 

Severus: Drop it.

Minerva: I'm sure the author will give you some-

Severus: Drop. It.

*silence*

Severus Snape glances away and proceeds to sit down on an empty spot besides Dumbledore. As far as he is concern, the only tolerable person in Hogwarts is the Headmaster.

Albus: Lemon drop, my friend?

Severus rolls his eyes and picks up the smallest one with his long, slim, well-manicured fingers. Chewing contentedly, he leans back against the wooden bench and gazes nonchalantly at the scene before him, his eyes resting for a moment on his ex-boss, Voldemort.  

Albus: *whispers* I know how we can defeat HIM!

Severus: *raises an eyebrow* How?

Albus: *smiles secretly* You'll see…

Severus: *sigh*

~@~

:: Ok, let's start from the last line. L! C! A!

Neville: Jack and the Beanstalk! Scene 2! Take 2! *CLACK*

DE2: Here you go! *hands over a pouch*

Jack: *peers* Wow… magic jellybeans…

DE2: Plant them outside your window. 

Jack: Ok. Thank you, sir!

Jack and the skrewt part ways…

Jack: Mother!!

Mother: That was fast! So, how much for Jenny?

Jack: Nothing! I got magic jellybeans! See! The seller said, wondrous things will happen when we-

Mother: Beans!! Stupid boy! *snatches jellybeans and flings them out* No carrots for you tonight!!

Jack: Joy… I can have them for breakfast then… or lunch… or tea… or dinner… or supper…

Mother: GO TO YOUR ROOM!

Jack sulks and stalks angrily to room.

:: CUT! Well done!

*click* ::… Ok, we need a GIANT BEANSTALK now! Elves! Change props! … The rest of you, lunch break! *click*

~@~

One hour later… 

All: OOO!!

A large giant beanstalk now stands on the empty spot outside Jack's window.

:: Harry, all you need to do is to climb to the top and that's it.

Harry: Ok. Erm… question…

:: Yes?

Harry: The whole story takes place within ONE day? 

:: Of course!

Harry: Isn't that a little fast?

:: It will work out fine. Don't worry.

Hagrid: Question… Can that stalk stand my weight??

:: No Hagrid… you WILL not be at the top… You will act your scene in front of a backdrop that makes it seem tha-

Hagrid looks confusingly at author.

:: Never mind… GET READY!

:: L! C! A!

Neville: Jack and the Beanstalk! Scene 3! Take 1! *CLACK*

Jack: Wow! I went to take an afternoon nap and now I see a huge plant in front of my window!

Mother: AAAH! There is a huge plant in front of the window!

Jack: Mother! Don't worry! It's just a huge plant!

Severus: *incredulous look* Merlin… Who thinks up this lines?!

:: Me.

Severus: Ah. 

Jack: Let me climb it.

Mother: Be careful, son!

Jack climbs the beanstalk.

:: CUT!! Ok, moving on to next set. Hagrid, get ready.

House elves takes apart the wooden house and a giant backdrop appear. 

:: L! C! A!

Neville: Jack and the Beanstalk! Scene 4! Take 1! *CLACK*

Jack pretends to scramble up from the floor.

Jack: I'm at the top of the beanstalk. Everything is so BIG! Oh look, a giant house… Let me go in…

Jack walks towards the door (painted on the backdrop)

:: CUT! Good! House props please… Oh and Severus? Is it ready?

Severus stands up and hands author a potion.

:: Thank you, Sev. Harry, drink this, it's a shrinking portion.

Harry gulps down potion. The tables and chairs have been set.

:: Ok, L! C! A! 

Neville: Jack and the Beanstalk! Scene 4.1! Take 1! *CLACK*

Jack: Wow! This is big! What is that noise??!

*clump clump clump*

Giant: Fee Fi Fo fun, I smell the blood of an Englishman! Be he alive or be he dead, I'll grind his bones to make my bread! *sniff air* Hmm… nah… must be my cold…

Jack: Whew!

Giant sits down at table and eats a meal of donuts. He promptly falls asleep after eating… Jack climbs up table to take a peek.

Giant: *snore*

Jack: Look! It's a brown chicken! And it's laying golden eggs! I will bring it back for mother!

Jack steals chicken and climbs down table. As fate has it, Severus Snape has only brewed 1 shrinking potion, so the stealing of items has to be done at the same time. Jack steals moneybags and climbs down table. Jack steals magic harp and climbs down table. 

:: CUT! Good, now we must have Hagrid chasing you when the harp screams in terror.

Neville: Jack and the Beanstalk! Scene 4.2! Take 1! *CLACK*

Jack carries the harp and before he reaches the 'door', the harp screams.

Giant: Wha-? HEY! YOU! *clump clump* Get back here thief!

Jack runs 'out' with Giant clumping after him. 

:: CUT! Ok, Sev, where's the antidote?

Severus hands antidote over. Reluctantly.

Harry grows back to normal size. 

:: Ok, we have to now film the part where Jack gives his mother the moneybags and the chicken. And the last part is, Harry and Hagrid on the beanstalk. Elves! Change props!

:: L! C! A! 

Neville: Jack and the Beanstalk! Scene 4.3! Take 1! *CLACK*

Jack scrambles down beanstalk.

Jack: Mother! Look! Brown hen that lay golden eggs!

Mother: Ooo!

Jack scrambles down beanstalk.

Jack: Mother! Look! Moneybags filled with Galleons!

Mother: Ooo!

:: CUT! Good! Now BOTH Harry and Hagrid must be on the same stalk.

:: L! C! A! 

Neville: Jack and the Beanstalk! Scene 4.4! Take 1! *CLACK*  

Giant: Come back with my harp!!

Harp: Eee! Eee!

Jack: Shut up, you stupid piece of magical musical instrument! 

The beanstalk creaks dangerously as Hagrid moves slowly down the stalk. 

Jack reaches the ground first and yells for his mother.

Jack: Mother! Giant! Evil! Kill! Axe! Stalk! Chop! Mother! Axe!

Mother: Here you go son. Be careful.

Jack: *chop* *chop* *chop* *chop* *chop* *chop* *chop* *chop* *chop*

Beanstalk sways dangerously…

*audience goes OOO!*

Jack: *chop* *chop* *chop* *chop* *chop* *chop* *chop* *chop* *chop*

Beanstalk breaks into half and the Giant falls. Before he reaches the ground…

Mother: Wingardium Leviosa!

:: CUT!! Alright people! We did it!

Hilda sets Hagrid down on the ground gently and whoops loudly with Harry.

*click* :: ATTENTION! TODAY'S FILMING IS A ROUSING SUCCESS! The next one will be Snow White! That's it guys, go home and take a good rest!! *click* 

*loud applause*

:: Filming crew, everything ok?

Oliver: Yes boss, Dean and I will be doing the film editing. We will cut and paste everything in order.

:: Good job! 

Author stretches herself and walks off the set. House elves scurry about clearing the props while the actors change out of their costumes. 

Albus: Ah! Snow White! It's our turn, Minerva! Flitwick too, isn't it?

Flickwick: Why yes! 

Minerva: My role will be very minor. The Queen dies at the beginning, remember?

Hilda: Hello there!

Albus: Hilda! Wonderful job!

Hilda: Thanks Albus! Severus! How are you?

Severus: Fine… Just fine.

Minerva: How's your preparation for your role in Snow White?

Severus: Oh shut up… *stalks off with black robes billowing behind him*

Hilda: Well… cranky as always…

Albus: Forgive him, Hilda. He's not very happy with his role.

Hilda: Still?

Minerva: I think the author refuses to change the script. He's stuck playing THAT.

Flitwick: Hope for the best on the set…

*nods of agreement*

A/N: ok that's it for now! Mwahaha, at least you know Sev will act in which story! Review pls! 


	3. Snow White

/** Author's Note: All characters belong to JKR. All tales are warped versions of the original. :: means author speaking. Dun sue :P (R/R) 

I got reviews! Sweet! Lots of thanks to:

Werecat99, Mrs Greenleaf, S_Star, Ivory Tower, SummerRain, Sathanas, All Mighty Terrestrial, mugglelady3000, Ciggy, Riddle Light, Karine Black, Vara, shadowycat, jerri fletcher and JET! You guys are great! Hope you like this new chapter ^^ Warning: Mild use of bad language  **/

Once Upon A Warped Time… by RivanKnight® 

It's filming day again. And we all know what that means. Throughout the ancient castle, Cornwall pixies are a fluttering in the pits of both students and professors, even the magical creatures are feeling jittery (who/what can forget Jenny?). It's been three days and yet the foul memory of the _encouraging_ note still lingers foully in the air, as fresh as a newly produced cow pie. Shifting about in their seats, the members of the film and acting crew wait patiently in the Great Hall for the director-cum-producer-cum-scriptwriter to arrive. Which will be soon. _Antiiiiciipaaaatiiooon._

~@~

Meanwhile, in a dank, dark (as in the-sun-will-never-shine-THERE kind of dark) dungeon many floors down from the Great Hall, a brooding professor who looks like a giant bat (as he does every other day) slouches in his heavy oak chair sullenly. In fact, judging from the mood in the air, Dementors will kiss each other to NOT come here. Positive human emotions? What positive human emotions? 

~@~

*disturbing flash-back two days ago begins*

:: Get down there and force Snape to comply! Make him memorise those dang lines now!

Dementor1: *whimper*…No-

Dementor2: *whimper*…please-

Dementor1: *whimper*…we-  

Dementor2: *whimper*…will-

Dementor1: *whimper*…starve!

Dementor2: *whimper*…we-

Dementor1: *whimper*…rather-

Dementor2: *whimper*…kiss-

Dementor1: *whimper*…each-

Dementor2: *whimper*…other!   

Dementor1: Very good, D1! It's like you-

Dementor2: Read your mind? And you are welcome, D2!

:: *grumbles* Oh, this is fantastic. Simply fantastic. *sarcastic* _Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting 'The Whimpering Psychic Twins'!_  Never should have trusted the '50% OFF' discount from HIM. *waves cattle-prod* Get down there, you idiots! Now!

Dementor1: Are you thinking what I'm thinking, D2?

Dementor2: I sure am thinking what you are thinking, D1.

Dementor1: So… shall we, D2?

Dementor2: We shall, D1. 

And the two Dementors kiss and promptly turn into a heap of dust. 

:: *picks up phone and dials a number* …Hello?… Yes, it's me. Get your boss on the line… … *seeth* YOU MORON! DARK LORD? YOU CALL YOURSELF A DARK LORD? DARK DORK IS MORE LIKE IT!! … WHAT? WHAT?? YOU ASK WHAT?! YOUR DEFECTIVE DEMENTORS ARE NOW A HEAP OF DUST, THAT'S WHAT! … WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT?? … OH, THAT'S IT. YOU ARE DEAD. … I DON'T CARE IF YOU ALREADY ARE! AND STOP INTERRUPTING ME!! D. E. A. D. DEAD!! Y. O. U. YOU!! *slams phone* 

Nervous house elf appears and sweeps the heap of dust away.

:: *sobs* 20 Galleons… Gone! *wails* 

Nervous house elf looks up in fright and scurries back.

*disturbing flash-back ends*

~@~

"No. No, no and for the one-BLOODY-HELL-hundredth time, NO! I refuse to partake in this ridiculous production. If you can call it a production… You know what I'm saying? … Yes! It will be a total waste of my precious time and I will not be humiliated in front of those brats that I teach and my fellow colleagues, who unfortunately, have no backbone to say no. … What's that? … Exactly! … Also, can you imagine the horrors that will plague my dreams to have Lucius Malfoy prancing in front of me?! … AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING CREEPING UP ON ME LIKE THAT?!" Severus Snape, genius Potions Master, winner of the 'Snarkiest Scowl' award for the 18th time running (and feeling real proud of it), thunders loudly at Knobby, his personal house elf who for some reason decides to apparate behind the chair. 

"S-sorry… Professor Snapes. K-knobby no means no harms. Knobby n-no creeps up on yous. Knobby j-just wants to inform yous that it's times to go ups to Great Halls…And K-knobby wishes to tells Professor Snapes that the ham-and-egg sandwich agrees with yous absolutely!" 

"Yes, yes, Knobby, I know it's time. Go tidy the bedroom now." The I-am-Death-fear-my-wrath-looking man shoos the over-enthusiastic house elf away, before giving his untouched breakfast (the one he had been having a one-sided conversation with for the past ten minutes) a final glance. With a huge sigh, Severus Snape trudges out of his cold haven towards the Great Hell. I mean Hall. 

~@~ 

Author appears holding a loud speaker in hand, script book tucked in the back pocket of her Levi's® jeans.

*click* :: Testing, testing! Good Morning Viet- *cough* Hogwarts! *static*… *pause* *deadpan* I SAID, Good Morning Hogwarts. *click*

All: *gulp* Good Morning Boss…

*click* :: You don't sound HAAAPPIIEEE to me… *click*

All: *fake cheer in voice* GOOD MORNING BOSS!

*click* :: Ooo, Moooorning my lovelies! Ready for some acting and filming?! Let the show begin!! Snow White is next and so those involved, you know what to do! *click*

*murmurs*

*click* :: MOOOVEEEE!!!! *click*

 ~@~

The trailer cum dressing room that was used for the first production has been magically teleported to the far corner of the Great Hall. All benches and tables have been rearranged properly for the first scene, courtesy of them house elves. Inside the trailer, Albus Dumbledore and Minerva McGonagall, the King and Queen respectively, are having a hair dye to make them look many years younger. Many, many, many… many years younger.

Dumbledore: Oh my! Blonde? Was I ever a blonde? Hmm… or maybe I was a red head? Or-

Tinky the still nervous house elf: P-professor Dumbledore! P-p-please get into your costumes! *looks around fearfully* We m-m-m-must hurry! 

Dumbledore: Relax, Tinky! *muse* Or perhaps black, like Severus! Or brown, like Remus! What do you think, Minerva?

Minerva: Really Albus! Please be serious! The poor elf is practically quaking in her sho- *peers down* skin. And mind you, this is quite a long story. The faster we start, the better it is! 

Dumbledore: *endearing look*

Minerva: O-h… *humph* … red.

Dumbledore: Aah! I thought so! Tinky, if you please…

Tinky the very much nervous house elf: B-but… it says b-blonde! *whimper* 

Dumbledore: *wisely* Sometimes Tinky, we must… *enters philosophical mode*

Tinky the house elf bursts into frightened tears and starts banging her head on the chair. Hard.

*thunk thunk*

Dumbledore: … so you see, when we come across…

*thunk thunk*

Dumbledore: … subsequently, if for example…

*thunk thunk*

Dumbledore: … not to mention the part where…

*thunk thunk*

Dumbledore: … and there you go. *exits philosophical mode* 

Tinky the nervous and now bleeding house elf: O-o-o-h! My head… 

Dumbledore: Lemon drop? It cures headaches!

Minerva: *sigh* Never mind, Albus…

And so we leave the two to change. 

~@~

At another corner of the Great Hall, the author is having a one-on-one talk with the Potions Master.

:: Stop being a baby and get in there!

Snape: *outrage* What?! This is the final straw! How dare you order me about! I have you know that my rep-

Voldemort interrupts: *rasp* Hiii-

*BRRRZZZT* (double dosage of electricity)

Voldemort: ARRGHH! What?! I-

*BRRRZZZT* (double dosage of electricity)

Voldemort: ARGH!!! 

:: *deadpans* Dementors. Ring a bell, bub? *fingers cattle-prod*

Voldemort: … *shuffles away quickly as fast as his decaying feet can carry him* 

:: Run.

Voldemort hitches up his fraying, multiple-patched black robes and starts shuffling a wee bit faster towards Wormtail, to get an ice pack for his sore arse.

:: Yes Sev, you were saying?

Snape: I refuse to get in there. Period. And stop calling me Sev! The name is Severus! 

:: It's filming day and you want to back out? No problem, _Sevvie_. *too brightly*

Snape: *suspicious* Really? You're so sure in letting me off?

:: Oh yes… as sure as arsenic is not poisonous.

Snape: *scoff* That's ridiculous! Arsenic is- oh. 

:: It will be fun! Look on the bright side, Sev! You don't need a costume!

Severus Snape knowing he has lost, utters a woe-tis-on-me sigh, casts the spell and walks through the smoky barrier.

~@~

*click* :: Alright! Gather round! We will start with the birth of Snow White! QUIET ON THE SET!! *click*

*silence*

A red-haired Albus and a blonde Minerva (both in fetching fine robes) stand in front of a cradle. Hermoine Granger has been charmed by Professor Flitwick to be in temporary baby-mode (physically and mentally) for 10 minutes.

:: LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!

Neville: Snow White! Scene 1! Take 1! *CLACK*

King: Isn't it great? Isn't it lovely? A blink of an eye, and I have a baby! 

Queen: Such big eyes! Such red lips! Such lovely little fingertips!

Draco, Lucius and Voldie: *whispers* Coughmudbloodcough…

:: *dagger glare* SSHH!

Baby Hermoine: *gurgle* 

King: Oh my Queen! My Lady Luck! I will love you both till death do us part!

Courtiers: *chorus loudly* Till death! Till death! He will love them both till death do them part! 

Queen: What shall we name her? Our lovely daughter! Pearl or Belle or maybe Slaughter!

:: CUUUUT!!!! *growl* Slaughter??

Minerva: It rhymes…

*murmurs of agreement from audience*

Author clutches forehead. THAT wasn't in the script.

:: Never mind. Continue from there… L! C! A!

Neville: Snow White! Scene 1! Take 2! *CLACK*

King: With hair the colour of the night, lets name our beautiful child - Snow White!

Courtiers: *chorus loudly* Snow White! Snow White! Our Princess, Snow White!

:: Aaaand cut!

~@~

Harry to Ron: *whispers* I don't get it! The words don't make sense! It's like the author's making them rhyme for the sake of making them rhyme! 

:: You got that right, bub. Now hush before I make you spend a morning in the presence of a coffee-less Voldemort. 

Harry and Voldemort: NOOoooooo… *flail hands wildly*

Whodathunkit! The most famous pair of archenemies in the wizarding world seems to agree on the same thing! I thought this kind of thing happens only when p- Ooh! Will you look at that?? 

Audience: *oohs and aahs* (flap flap flap) Oooh-… (flap flap flap) Aaah-…

:: WHAT THE-! Will somebody get rid of the pigs? Where they come from anyway? Blast it. This is going to be a long day.

*numerous cries of the 'Avada' spell resound throughout the Hall. Plenty of 'squeals' followed by 'thuds'*

Voldemort: *outrage* Silence you fools! That's my line! Stop or else…!

And the people who care, stop. 

*numerous cries (incidentally the same number) of the 'Avada' spell resound throughout the Hall. Plenty of 'squeals' followed by 'thuds'*

Voldemort: And you wonder why I turn evil.

House elves from the kitchen appear to clear the… erm… 'interruptions' away. 

~@~

*click* :: Hey! Hey! Order here! We don't have much time! *click*

*redecoration of the Great Hall proceeds*

:: Ok? Good. LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!

Neville: Snow White! Scene 2! Take 1! *CLACK*

*Funeral March by Chopin plays in the background, the Queen has been taken away by an illness*

IMPORTANT: The author has decided to take this scene out. It's too tragic and sad to be in the humour category. So on to the next scene where Hermoine is now back to her normal age and the King is looking for a new bride. Thank you. 

~@~

The choosing of a wife for the King and a new mother for Snow White will take place in a Ball. 

:: L! C! A!

Neville: Snow White! Scene 3! Take 1! *CLACK*

The mini orchestra starts to play a tune and the King sits on his throne looking dejectedly down at his invited guests dancing and chatting away. No ladies have caught his fancy as yet.

Snow White: Father?

King: Yes, my sweet? *lights up a bit*

Snow White: Is this necessary? I mean you simply can't find love in this manner! You don't even know the ladies well and you are just going to up and marry one? How can a relationship between two people last without a complete understanding of each other's character and manners! I don't like this. Mother would never approve.

King: *speechless*

If the King thinks that his one and only daughter's going to sympathise with him and ask him why he's feeling so down, think again. Snow White though young for her age, is highly intelligent and sees things in many different perspectives. 

King: Well… I-

*trumpets blare as the door guards announce a visitor*

The place falls silent as everybody stare at the figure walking regally through the main door. With pale blonde locks neatly framing a chiselled face and cladding from head to toe in the finest silk, the new guest is the epitome of 'royal-ness'.

Audience: LUCIUS MALFOY!!??

:: CUT!! Audience! Control yourself! 

Well, that's pretty hard to do since Mr. Malfoy is currently wearing a silk dress. 

Lucius: *seethes* My first appearance and it's botched by these idiots! *points a gloved hand at the audience* And the name is Lucy now!

*snickers among the students and professors* Draco groans and hides his face in his hands.

:: Shut it! We will continue from right where we stop.

Lucius/Lucy: Definitely not! I demand another take! My entrance is not perfect! 

:: You… _DEMAND_…?

Voldemort quickly shuffles over and tugs at Malfoy's sleeve.

Lucius/Lucy: My Lord?

Voldemort: It is wise not to anger her, my child. We will seek revenge after this is over.

Lucius/Lucy: Yes, My Lord.

Voldemort adjusts cushioned toilet seat (tied around his waist) and shuffles painfully back to his chair. Hmm… Considering the fact that Wormtail had accidentally given his Dark Lord dry ice, it's no wonder Voldie's feeling worse. There are servants and then there are servants…

:: *grunt* Right. Places, everyone! And Lucius? Adjust your padded bra, please. It's rather unsettling to see a slanted pair of boobs, even if it's silicon. Silence please!! L! C! A!

Neville: Snow White! Scene 3! Take 2! *CLACK*

King: Oh my! And who is that fetching blonde?

Lucy: *curtsies* Good day my King, how are you feeling? 

King: Ah my lovely! Such a pretty! You are the wind beneath my wings and your presence makes me want to sing!

Snow White: *shock* FATHER! Not him-I mean her!! I have a bad feeling about this person. 

King: Nonsense my daughter, she will do fine. *claps hands twice* Attention everyone! This is my lovely bride! Thank you for attending my wedding!

*mini orchestra plays the wedding tune on-cue* *guests start a-congratulating*

And so within 20 minutes, the King has found a bride and Snow White has a new mother.

:: CUT! Well done! We will now film Lucy in her private bedroom and then you can have your lunch break. Move!

~@~

So the filming/acting crewmembers are now in the chosen room where Lucy will do the normal evil stepmother routine. It's a rather large room I must say. The one thing that catches the attention of all is a black-rimmed, full-length mirror standing broodingly by itself, opposite the huge four-poster bed. If one moves in for a closer look, you can actually feel menace radiating from it. The audience suppress a shudder as a sudden chill descends upon them. They look around fearfully, huddling closer to each other… The room reeks of evil… Voldemort sniffs the air and sighs happily, "Smells like home…" 

At the same time, Severus Snape, the most reluctant member of the acting crew, is lounging comfortably in his black leather armchair. Closing his eyes, he drums his long, perfect fingers on the table, matching the haunting rhythm of the piano piece that is playing in the air. 

*click* :: Listen up! Let's all do this in one take. *static*… I'm sure all of you are feeling hungry. I need full cooperation here. From EVERYONE! *glances pointedly at the mirror*… SILENCE! *click*

:: L! C! A!

Neville: Snow White! Scene 4! Take 1! *CLACK*

Lucy: *laughs evilly* Oh this is perfect! The money spent on this b-e-a-U-tiful silk gown is worth every knut! Mwahahah! I'm the Queen of the largest kingdom and soon, I will rule the entire land! Hmm… Snow White is my daughter now eh… What a terrible name! I wonder how they chose it… Oh like I bloody care! Send her off to boarding school and I can work better on my evil plans… Mwahahahah! 

*walks sultrily to the mirror*

Lucy: *smiles sweetly* Magic mirror? Oh mirror?

Severus pries open an eye upon hearing a sickeningly, diabetes-inducing voice in front of him. _Merlin! Not now! This is the best part of the score! Damn you! _Giving a less-than-friendly growl, he jabs at a red button on the table. The screen before him shimmers and there's Lucius Malfoy, in all his silken glory, posing provocatively with his hip jutting out to a side. _Must… control… laughter… must… control… hmphthahahahmpht… Compose yourself Severus Aleron Snape! _

*audience gasp when the much-feared Potions Master appears in the mirror (sitting behind a small desk)*

*Neville gives a small 'eep!' and starts shaking in fright*

Ron: *whispers* Ugh! No wonder this room feels so evil! Snape's the mirror! Garg!

Mirror: 30 points to Gryffindor, Mr Weasley. I'm not deaf.  *irritatedly* Yes… What do YOU want?

Harry covers Ron's mouth before he can cause further damage.

Lucy: Ooo! Mirror, mirror on the floor. Who's the hubba-hubba-iest of them all?

Mirror: *smirks* Me.

:: ***COUGHS***

Mirror: Oh very well… If you insist… You. 

Lucy: *squeals in delight* Are you sure, my darling mirror?

Mirror: No. And I'm not your darling. 

Lucy: What?!

Mirror: *scowls* Go. Away. 

*audience flinch*

Lucy: Cut!! *jabs finger at Snape/Mirror* This isn't the scene! He is supposed to heap praises on me!!!!

Mirror: *snorts* In your dreams, Lucius.

:: Sev, just follow the damn script! 

Severus: Bloody hell… Fine. But I demand extensive psychiatric treatment for the torture and trauma I'm subjecting myself to. 

:: One more take. Sev, please say your lines right… L! C! A!

Neville: *gulps* S-s-now Wh-h-ite! S-s-cene 4! T-take 2! *CLACK*

Lucy: Ooo! Mirror, mirror on the floor. Who's the hubba-hubba-iest of them all?

Mirror: *bored look and tone* You.

Lucy: *squeals in delight* Are you sure, my darling mirror?

Mirror: *bored look and tone* Yes.

Lucy: How do I look?? Tell me!! 

Mirror (Severus making no attempt to hide his actions, begins to read from the script book): *bored tone* You are the flower that blooms in winter and brings beauty to the dreary white world. *props legs on the table (it's a rather short table, so he can still be clearly seen* You are the *yawn* lone star that twinkles at night, bringing hope to the pathetic peasants living in straw huts. *sips Earl Grey tea from a cup* I assure you that you are the hubba-hubba-iest of them all. 

Audience: *blink blink* …

Lucy: Oh fabulous! I'm feeling so happy! 

Mirror: _Congratulations_. Can I go now?

Lucy: *snootily* You are excused.

Mirror: *rolls eyes*

Severus punches the red button and he finds himself in much needed privacy. 

:: Cut! Ok, lunch break people! 

~@~

Mealtime is over. What… You think I'm going to narrate what everybody is eating? Well, you are absolutely right! Albus went on a sugar-binge and ate eight bowls of Captain Sucrose with Extra Sugar Flakes™ and is right now feeling pretty jittery. Minerva, the rest of the Professors (except Severus) and students basically ate meat for lunch. Steam pork, pork knuckles, bacon strips, suckling pig etc… Lucius had his personal house elf chef whip up a meal while being whipped and Voldie is currently sipping on some Iron-Man™ protein-steroid drink (guaranteed to give him a healthier body in less than a month). As for our wonderful Potions Master, he ate some Uncle Toby's™ muesli bars and is currently lounging in that nice leather armchair. The one he's thinking of carting back to the dungeons.

*click* :: Ok, we need things to speed up here. SO COOPERATE. *click*

The next scene will also be in Lucy's room.

:: L! C! A!

Neville: *gulps* S-s-now Wh-h-ite! S-s-cene 5! T-take 1! *CLACK*

Lucy: Ooo! Mirror, mirror on the floor. Who's the hubba-hubba-iest of them all?

Mirror: *bored look and tone* You.

Lucy: *squeals in delight* Are you sure, my darling mirror?

Mirror: *bored look and tone* Yes.

After 5 minutes…

Lucy: Ooo! Mirror, mirror on the floor. Who's the hubba-hubba-iest of them all?

Mirror: *bored look and tone* Sigh… You.

Lucy: *squeals in delight* Are you sure, my darling mirror?

Mirror: *bored look and tone* Sigh… Yes.

After 5 minutes…

Lucy: Ooo! Mirror, mirror on the floor. Who's the hubba-hubba-iest of them all?

Mirror: *bored look and tone* Hmm? Oh. You.

Lucy: *squeals in delight* Are you sure, my darling mirror?

Mirror: *bored look and tone* Verily.

After 5 minutes…

Lucy: Ooo! Mirror, mirror on the floor. Who's the hubba-hubba-iest of them all?

Mirror: *very pleased* Let's see… Oh my! Snow White.

Lucy: *squeaks in horror* Are you sure, my darling mirror?

Mirror: *smirk* Oh yes. Positive. She's absolutely ravishing. Did I mention her lovely HAIR? 

Lucy: Dammit! I will get rid of her! Nobody has better hair than me!! *calls out for hunter*

Hunter: Yes, my Queen?

Lucy: Kill Snow White! Now!

Hunter: *smiles evilly* Of course, my Queen. Come Mrs Norris… We have a prey… Mwahahah…

Mirror: *sneer* Typical of you. Can't fight your own battles. 

Lucy: Oh shut up before I reduce you into a pile of shards.

Mirror: *deadpans* Ooh~ Shudder.

Lucy: Sometimes, I really _hate_ you.

Mirror: The feeling is mutual. All the time. *Snape pushes red button once more*

:: Cut! That… didn't… really go as planned but I suppose one must be content. Forest scene. Move now!

Albus: S-SEVERUS!! WHERE D-D-DID HE GOOOO??!!! *rushes forward to hug the mirror* SEV! SEV, MY B-BOY!! *shakes uncontrollably* Why is everybody shaking so badly?? Have we been attacked!? AND SOMEBODY TURN OFF THAT ANNOYING STROBE OF LIGHT!!!! *shakes*

:: I think that's just your eyelids twitching…

Albus: *twitch twitch* S…s…sugar… g-g-gimme sugar! SUGAAAAA SUGAAA SUGAAAaaaa… aaa… aaa… *gets drag away by Pomfrey*

:: *blink* THAT'S your Headmaster?

Audience: *deadpan* Yes.

Severus: Unfortunately…

~@~

In the forest…

:: Ok, make it smooooooth people. And Lights! Camera! Action!

Neville: Snow White! Scene 6! Take 1! *CLACK*

Snow White: *walks through forest* Oh will you look at this mess! Wrappers, chicken bones and whatnots! Doesn't anybody take care of this place?

The hunter follows Snow White as she rattles on. 

Hunter: Did you see that? Oh yes… the pretty has entered the forest… We will do a fine job, won't we, Mrs Norris? Oh yes, the Queen will be so pleased with us… *grips shovel tightly* very please… 

Snow White: I will have a word with father when I get back, that's for sure! *looks at flowers* 

*Psycho soundtrack starts* Dum-dum-dum-…

Hunter creeps up behind Snow White, shovel in hand… Fortunately, Snow White spots shadow descending upon her and ducks the blow.

Snow White: You! How dare you assault me! *kicks shins*

Hunter: Ooof!! That hurts, you little bitch! Arrrgh!! *swings shovel*

Snow White reaches out a hand and grabs the shovel, tearing it from the Hunter's grasp. 

Hunter: *whips out hunting knife* You little brat! I hate children! Especially annoying, troublemakers like you. I have orders to kill you and oh my pretty, you will be so dead when I'm through! Hii-yah! 

Snow White sidesteps the knife slash and slams shovel into Hunter's head. 

Snow White: *calm voice* Who ordered you to kill me? 

Hunter (lying on the ground, clutching his bleeding head): *heavy breathing* gasp… gasp… Never!

Snow White (kicks knife away): Don't make me say this again… Who ordered you to kill me? *raises shovel*

Hunter: *sobs* the… the… Queen! *sobs* please… please… don't kill me…

Snow White: *laughs* Oh my… what has happened to the brave Hunter? 

Hunter: *sobs* please… please…

Snow White (looks at shovel): This will come in handy. *raises shovel once more*

Hunter: *screams* AAAIIIIIIEEEEEEeee- *crack*…  … … 

:: And cut!

Minerva: *cough* Well… they sure don't make fairy tales like they used to…

~@~

So Snow White has killed the Hunter and his cat, burying the bodies with the handy shovel. Washing her hands at a nearby stream, she decides to hide out for a while. Turning into a less travelled path, she continues her journey. Just when she's feeling a little hungry, she spots a wooden hut in the distance.

*click* :: Flitwick, get ready! Elves, ready the props! *click*

:: Ok, people. L! C! A!

Neville: Snow White! Scene 7! Take 1! *CLACK* 

Snow White: *sings happily* Oh what a lovely little hut! A perfect place to fill my gut! I hope the people here are nice or else I will make them pay the price! *enters hut* Oo! Seven little chairs and seven little tables! Seven little bowls and seven little platters! Seven little jugs filled with delicious mead and seven little beds to rest seven little heads!! *coo*

After eating and drinking, Snow White decides to take a nap. Stretching herself, she lies across the seven beds.

Dwarf: *sings off-key* *squeak* Hi-ho! Hi-ho! We're such a merry soul! *squeak* Though short and not too very bright, can't beat a hamster in a fight… Hi-ho! Hi-ho! We're still a merry soul! *squeak*

Dwarf enters the house and finds Snow White lying in his beds. 

Dwarf: Oh our s-stars and g-garters! A human on our beds! Oh! *squeak* We hope she's nice… *wrings hands in despair*

While the dwarf is panicking away, Snow White awakes and upon seeing the frantic dwarf hovering beside her, she lashes out a kick that sends him crashing into the table.

Snow White: ARGH! Monster!! *kicks*

Dwarf: Wha-? OompH!! *crashes* 

Snow White: *blink* Who are you? 

Dwarf: *groans* *squeaks* The owners of the house…

Snow White: Oh! I'm so sorry! Where are the rest??

Dwarf: The rest?

Snow White: Well, there ARE SEVEN of you, right?

Dwarf: *squeak* Yes. *groans*

Snow White: *blink* Okaaay… I'm Snow White! Sorry about the kick… You are?

Dwarf: *squeak* It's ok… I'm Hairpee! For today.

Snow White: … erm… and on others? 

Dwarf: Monday – Happy, Tuesday – Happie, Wednesday – Hairppy, Thursday – Happee, Friday – Hehpee and Sunday – Hehppie.

Snow White: Oh wow! That's really cool! So seven days of the week, you are a different dwarf!

Dwarf: That's right! *beams* All seven of us live here!

Snow White: I need sanctuary. Some evil queen wants to kill me and I need to stay away.

Dwarf: Let me discuss this first. Is it ok? Sure, dude! No problem. Fine. No argument! She can stay! I agree! Yeap!

Snow White: … 

Dwarf: It's settled. You are welcome by all of us! *squeaks happily*

Snow White: Thank… you…all.

:: CUT! Ok, back to Lucy's room! MOOOOVE!

~@~

Back at Hogwarts…

:: L! C! A!

Neville: *gulps* S-s-now Wh-h-ite! S-s-cene 8! T-take 1! *CLACK*

Lucy the Evil Queen lie Cleopatra-like on a sofa, buffing her fingers away.

Lucy: *evil laugh* Mwahahha! Pretty little Snow White should be dead by now… Let me ask my magic mirror again… Mwahaha

Lucy: Ooo! Mirror, mirror on the floor. Who's the hubba-hubba-iest of them all?

Mirror: Again?! You are one sick, demented, self-obsessed puppy! 

Lucy: Just answer the bloody question, damn it! Who!?

Hagrid: Who let the dogs out?? 

Audience: WHO! WHO! WHO! WHO! WHO!

:: Audience… please… Never mind, continue… Sev. ANSWER. THE. QUESTION.

Mirror: *smirks* Very well… 

Lucy: Ooo! Who?! Say it loud and say it proud!

Mirror: It's… Lucccccyyyyy…

Lucy: Yes! I AM BEAUTIFUL! HUBBA HUBBA! HUBBA!

Mirror: …'ssss step-daughter – Snow White.

Lucy: Wha-

Mirror: Oh you heard me… Snow White is alive. And she STILL has better HAIR than you. Your pathetic hunter failed.

Lucy: INCOMPETENT FOOL! 

Mirror: *sneers* Funny you should say that while looking in the mirror. 

Lucy: *seethes* You will pay for this, Snape.

Mirror: *innocent look* Who's Snape? I'm the magic mirror.

Lucy: Growl. I will find Snow White and kill her myself. Where is she?!

Mirror: She's in the woods with a schizophrenic dwarf. And what are you doing?

Lucy the Evil Queen decides to kill Snow White herself and is now brewing some poisonous potion.

Mirror: *scoffs* Merlin, you are not serious. Give it up, your skills are worse than mediocre. You cheated in finals remember? 

Lucy: Oh SHUT UP! I can bloody well brew a potion on my own!

Lucy starts chopping ingredients.

Mirror: *critically* Your chopping skills are heinous. Please stop… you are mangling expensive ingredients. *tsk* 

Lucy ignores the mirror and starts adding water.

Harry: Too much water.

Ron: Definitely.

Draco: I am so embarrassed.

Snape watches in amusement as Lucius Malfoy attempts to add the ingredients.

Mirror: *smirks* You are trying to poison someone with THAT? For your information, _oh my Queen_, if you add Hemlock into that atrociously over-filled cauldron of yours first, the poison effect is going to be almost nullified.

Lucy: *screams* Will you shut up! I didn't ask for your opinions!! 

Neville: B-b-but it's t-true… 

Lucy: *screams* Or yours either!

Mirror: _Oh Queeeen…_

Lucy: What?!

Mirror: *coolly* The cauldron's boiling and due to your _utter_ lack of judgement, water is sloshing all over the table. The rest of the ingredients are officially ruined. 

Lucy: Damn it! *attempts to wipe up boiling water with a rag*

Mirror: *quirks eye-brow* This. Is priceless.

After much cleaning and fumbling around, Lucy the Evil Queen manages to brew a bottle of poison potion. I think.

Lucy: Well now, I'm off to kill Snow White.

Mirror: Smash the glass bottle over her head. It will do a better job than the contents. 

Lucy: Ha. Ha.

Mirror: *sneer* The potion DOES NOT work. It will be ANYTHING but poison. Do try and remember who I am.

Lucy: Last I recall, a mirror that talks too much.  *stalks off* 

Mirror: *snorts* Idiot.

:: CUT!! *rubs temple* Why… me…

~@~

Back at the forest…

Lucy is now in disguise as an evil witch and has found the location of Snow White.

:: L! C! A!

Neville: Snow White! Scene 9! Take 1! *CLACK*

*knock knock*

Snow White: Yes?

Witch: Hello my lovely, care to buy a drink from me? I'm poor and I need money to buy shoes.

Snow White: What are you selling?

Witch: This lovely bottled syrup. Made from the sweetest strawberries!

Snow White: It's not red.

Witch: *falters* Yes, well… It's special in the sense! 

Snow White: Oh ok. I will buy one then. *takes the bottle and uncorks it* Smells strong and heady.

Witch: It's good. Try it now!

Snow White: *sips* Ooo! *gulps more*

Witch: *waits apprehensively*

Snow White: *hic* Oh… theesh issh lovely! *sways* *collapse on the floor*

Lucy: Score!! I am that damn good! *walks away whistling*

Hairpee the dwarf comes arriving. He has been working in the coal mine and it's break time now.

Dwarf: *squeaks* Hi-ho! Hi-ho! We are coal miners so! Work all day without a pay, bent our backs until they crack but yet we still keep going back… Hi-ho! Hi-ho! We are coal miners so! *squeaks*

Dwarf spots unconscious Snow White.

Dwarf: *SQUEAK!* Oh my, oh my!! *rushes forward* Snow White!! *cries* *cries* *cries* *cries* *cries* *cries* *cries* We are so sad! You can't leave us! You are our only friend!

:: Cut! Good! It's ending, hang in there, all of you! Prince, your turn.

Draco: *mutters* Stupid mudblood…

:: L! C! A!

Neville: Snow White! Scene 10! Take 1! *CLACK*

As Hairpee the dwarf clutches Snow White in his arms, a prince who happens to be walking through the forest, stumbles upon the scene. 

Prince: Unhand her, monster!! *draws sword*

Dwarf: *squeak* Nono! We do not hurt Snow White. She is our friend! She drank something from this bottle and now she's dead!! *wails*

Prince: *hmph* *sheathes sword* She's not dead. She's still breathing. *smells bottle* It's tequila. She's just drunk. Relax.

Dwarf: But… but she's not awake…

Prince: *slaps face* Oi! Mu- Snow White! Wake up!! Oi! *splashes ice water*

Snow White: *splutters* Aaack!

Dwarf: She's alive!! We are grateful to male human! Yes, we are! You are our friend! You save Snow White! I agree! Yes! Oh joy!! 

Prince: I'm outta here. *and he leaves*

:: Cut!! Ok, narrator, wrap it up.

~@~

*Ah-hem* So after thanking the dwarf, Snow White decides to return to the castle. Lucy is accused of murder, as the bodies of the Hunter and his cat have been uncovered with the sign "Queen L. was here" on them. Despite the ex-Queen's protest of innocence, many eyewitnesses claim they saw the Hunter leaving the Queen's room before disappearing for good. King and princess have been reunited and everybody (almost) live happily ever after. 

:: WELL DONE!!!  Filming crew, you know what to edit out.

Oliver: Yes, boss!

*click* :: I'm sorry this took so long! The next one will be '3 Little Pigs'! Definitely much shorter! Thank you and good night! *click*

Author leaves and the crew pack up. 

Severus walks out of the smoky barrier, ignores the rest and heads straight to the dungeons. In the space of ten seconds, a brand new black leather armchair now sits in place behind his desk.

A/N: Hey all, this is a very long story. Like to point out that no pigs and cat were harmed during the production and the schizophrenic dwarf is purely for humour purposes. Please don't be offended. It's all in good fun. Thanks for being patient. Like it? Hate it? Review pls! Thanks!


	4. Three Little Pigs

/** Author's Note: All characters belong to JKR. All tales are warped versions of the original. :: means author speaking. Dun sue :P (R/R) 

I got reviews! Awesome!! Lots of thanks to:

Vara, SummerRainForever, Sathanas, mugglelady3000, Ciggy, shadowycat, werecat99, Ivory Tower, hattrick, All Mighty Terrestrial and Rae Roberts!! Thank you! Hope you like this new chapter ^^ 

All Mighty Terrestrial: Hi! To answer your question, the dwarf was Professor Flitwick!   **/

Once Upon A Warped Time… by RivanKnight® 

It was many, many… MANY months later when the acting and filming crew received bright yellow post-its with the date and time for the next production stamped on them. The words '_p.s: Guess what happens to latecomers?'_ distinctively sent shivers down their spines as they perused the note in fear. All except Peter Pettigrew (otherwise known as Wormtail)… seeing that he didn't have one. A spine, I mean. Anyhoo, as '3 Little Pigs' had to be filmed outdoors, the spot beside Hagrid's hut was once again used as the meeting venue. 

~@~

Filming day has finally descended upon the participants like a bad migraine. You can't stop it, you can't make it go away and resistance is futile. The hour is still early but the required participants are already awake and are now sitting upon the heath in thunder, lightning and in rain, wishing for filming to be done and discussing who will lose and win the next Quidditch match. Apparently this weather matches the mood of the Slytherins who understandably, are very upset with today's production even though the entire cast belongs to said House. I mean, come on, three pigs and a wolf? 

On the other hand, the Golden Trio (we all know who) are snickering endlessly at their rival House, occasionally puncturing the air with loud 'HOGwarts'. The Gryffindors are not required to be present but this is too good a chance to be missed - baring witness to the utter humiliation of their bitter enemies. The Slytherins try to regain their dignity by glaring maliciously around but this serves to fuel and intensify the ribbing instead. At the far end, the Golden Oldies are also having a field day. The rest of the staff stare in horrified amusement as the Headmaster, Minerva and Hagrid continue to mock poor Severus, who is looking paler than usual. 

The remaining two Houses have wisely decided to stay out of this ancient rivalry even though it IS very tempting to give the Slytherins a taste of being on the other end of a joke. Yes, the butt. They fear the repercussions of their actions following post-production. The wrath of a vengeful Potions Professor may lead- (correction) WILL lead to them having negative House-points and Professor Sprout and Professor Flitwick (the Head of House for Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw, respectively) are not exactly the most reliable teachers in Hogwarts to depend on for help. Seeing that they tremble in his presence too.

~@~

The hour of reckoning approaches and the crowd falls into an uncomfortable silence. A particularly loud rumble resounds across the dark sky and the author appears holding a loud speaker in hand, script book tucked in the back pocket of her Levi's® jeans. A very wet, very pissed off author. 

*click* :: *extreme foul mood* Testing. *static* So. People. Not feeling happy about today's filming? *static* Eh? *click*

All: *shaking of heads*

*click* :: *hisses* Then why is the blasted weather so damn blasted?! *click*

Hermione raises her hand nervously much to the chagrin of all. "Because-"

*click* :: You have TEN seconds to clear it up. I want to see the sun. I want to see a blue sky. I want to see the ground devoid of puddles. *screams into loud speaker* _NOW!! _*click*

And true to her words, in the space of ten seconds, an extremely bright blue sky appears and the ground is as dry as Snape's sense of humour. With the sun blazing away in full heat, the only way to tell whether the existing dampness on the clothes is due to sweat or rain is the smell. 

*click* :: Goooood. *fans self* Actors, get change. House elves, set up the props. Filming crew, follow me. The rest? Sit down and shut up. *click* *strides off to a corner*

~@~

In the trailer…

Draco: *screams* WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! GET AWAY BEFORE I HEX YOU!!

Cowering house elf: P-p-please D-d-draco M-malfoy… Tinky must do this! *shiver* *whimper* 

Crabbe and Goyle: *fascinated* Look Draco, we look like pigs! 

Draco: *turns pale* I know that, you idiots!!! 

Neville: *pokes head in* Five minutes to haul ass! *leaves the trailer laughing maniacally*

~@~

Deathly silence fills the air when the three Slytherins in all of their pink glory step out of the trailer. Not a whisper, nor a gasp. That's mainly due to the fact that the author had told them to shut up minutes before. Draco shuts his eyes and starts to pray hard for a massive heart attack to befall on all those present. Unfortunately, the Powers Above™ have taken a short vacation to the Caribbean. _Please leave your name and prayer(s) after the sound of a beep. We will get back to you as soon as we feel like it. BEEEEEEP…_

Draco: Ack!!

:: *STARE* Quiet, pinkie.

*click* :: Alright, those compelled to laugh, you have ten seconds to do so. Where on earth is Lucius?! *click*

For the next ten seconds, the Slytherins try to hide their faces in their hands as the rest of the audience cackle endlessly.

Lucius: *apparates* *sidles up to author and gives a wolfish smile* Pardon my lateness.

:: Ooo… *sigh* You are forgiven. *coughs* Lucius, go get changed.

Lucius: This IS my costume. *fingers dark brown full-length fur coat*

:: *flatly* THAT is a fur coat. 

Lucius: Wolf pelt. Very expensive and very genuine… *supreme arch of the eyebrow*

:: *speechless* *turns back to camera crew* 

~@~

*click* :: We'll start with the first pig. Crabbe, get ready. Silence, all! *click*

:: LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!

Neville: 3 Little Pigs! Scene 1! Take 1! *CLACK*

A small straw hut stands alone by itself at the edge of the forest. Crabbe waddles to it holding a tuft of straw in one hand.

Pig #1: Erm. I am the first pig. Wee-wee-wee. I… erm… build my own hut. It's made of straws. *waves straw in front of camera* *pauses for a few seconds* Wee-wee.

Audience: *baffled silence*

Pig #1: *whines* It's too tight. *plucks unhappily at pink leotard* And my butt feels funny. *tugs on his curled tail* 

:: *squeezes script book tightly in fist* *grits teeth* Con. Ti. Nue. 

Pig #1: *fidgets* I have two brothers. They are pigs too. Mother says I'm the stupid one. But I do not think so. Erm. *racks brains* Because straws are the cheapest and now I have many galleons left. Wee-wee-wee. *looks at author* I'm hungry.

Severus: *mutters under breath* Idiot.

:: *ignores Crabbe* Cut! Next scene! LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!

Neville: 3 Little Pigs! Scene 2! Take 1! *CLACK*

The Big Bad Wolf™: *does a sashay forward* My, my, what do we have here? A fat and rich pig… Such cholesterol… Such wealth. *purrs* Perfect.

Pig #1: *enters his straw hut*

The Big Bad Wolf™: *raps on door* Little pig, little pig, let me in.

Pig #1: *squeals* Who is it? 

The Big Bad Wolf™: How would you like to buy some health insurance?

Pig #1: *squeals* Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin! 

The Big Bad Wolf™: Open the door or I will huff and puff and blow the house down! 

Pig #1: It's made of straw! Scat!

The Big Bad Wolf™: *impatient* Little pig, little pig, let me in!!

Pig #1: Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin! Go away!

The Big Bad Wolf™: *whips out wand* _Alohomora!_ *door opens* Let's see where you can hide… Now sign this damn form so I can meet my quota! 

Pig #1: Never!! *mounts broom and bursts out of the roof*

:: AAANNND CUT!! *feels a headache coming* *sigh* Ok, get ready the stick hut! 

~@~

:: LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!

Neville: 3 Little Pigs! Scene 3! Take 1! *CLACK*

A small stick hut stands alone by itself at the edge of the forest. Goyle shuffles slowly forward, looking very blur. 

Pig #2: … … *looks around*

:: CUT!! Goyle, what are you waiting for?? 

Pig #2: *stares blankly* 

Severus: *mutters under breath* Moron.

Lucius: *taps feet* I don't have all day. My Lord calls for me.

:: Well, if your Lord wants you, he can jolly well come here himself! 

Blinding flash of light and Voldemort apparates before the crew.

Audience: AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEE!!! 

Music starts up.

Voldemort: *clears throat and shakes maracas* *shika shika* They call me Voldemort, I'm the king of the rumba beat, when I shake my maracas, they go chik chikiboom chik chikiboom!

Silence.

Voldemort: *rasps* Well? 

Silence.

Lucius, Wormtail and Severus: *clap. clap.*

*click* :: People, stop catching flies! This is a very short story so let's get it over with! You! He-who-must-not-sing! Sit down! Crew, get ready! *click*

Voldemort: You- *Wormtail whispers into Voldemort's ears* ARE absolutely right. *sits down immediately*

:: LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!

Neville: 3 Little Pigs! Scene 3! Take 2! *CLACK*

Pig #2: *drools* I'm erm…

:: *flatly* That's a start.

Pig #2: I am the second pig. Brother of… erm… the one with the straw. I live in a wooden hut. That means it's made of sticks. Yah. Sticks. *daze look*

Pig #1 flies in and crashes through the roof.

Pig #1: *runs out* Help! *pants*

Pig #2: *monotone* Why, if it isn't my brother. Erm. Welcome! Wee-wee.

:: *wince*

Pig #1: Wolf. Bad. Chase. Shelter. Here. Wee-wee.

Pig #2: Erm. Ok. 

And they both enter the stick hut.

:: And cut!! *sigh*

~@~

:: Lucius, get ready!

:: LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!

Neville: 3 Little Pigs! Scene 4! Take 1! *CLACK*

The Big Bad Wolf™: Two little pigs! *rubs hands in glee* *raps door* Little Pigs, little pigs, let me in!

Pig #2: Erm. Ok.

Pig #1: *squeal* No! *to TBBW™* Not by the hairs of our chinny chins chins!!

The Big Bad Wolf™: This is getting tired. Let me in dammit! *snarl* Or I will huff and I will puff and blow your house down AND _Crucio_ your fat hide! 

Voldemort: *looks on proudly* Atta-boy! *shakes maracas*

Pig #2: *shiver* I think we better let Mr Malfoy in… *nervous*

Pig #1: *looks at script* But we can't! *reads aloud* Let's fly to the house of our smart brother, Pig #3.

Pig #2: *nods mutely*

Just as TBBW™ unlocks the door using the same spell, the two not-so-light-and-bright pigs burst out through the hole in the roof on a broomstick and subsequently crash to the ground in a tangled pink heap of trotters. 

Pig #1 and #2: Ow. 

Severus: *mutters under breath* Nitwits.

Dumbledore: There now, Severus. You should be supporting them!

Severus: *Oh-Shut-Up GLARE®™*

:: *pops prozac* Happy. Think happy thoughts. Think of little bunnies. Cute and furry bunnies. *giggles to self* … heh heh…

Uncomfortable silence.

*click* :: *clears throat* LUNCH BREAK! *click*

~@~

Lunch was a simple fare of chicken stew and bread and it went by way too fast for the Slytherins' liking. Grumbling quietly, they assemble back at the filming spot once more. The self-proclaimed Prince of Slytherin, Draco Malfoy, stands beside his brick house warily as he keeps his emotions in check.

Draco: A Malfoy NEVER panics. *gulp* 

*click* :: Alright, get ready! The story's ending so let's get it on! *click*

~@~

:: L! C! A!

Neville: 3 Little Pigs! Scene 5! Take 1! *CLACK*

Pig #3: *sneers* I am the smartest *grits* _pig _and this is my grand abode. It's made of bricks as you losers can jolly well see for yourself. Trespassers will be hexecuted. 

Pig #1 and #2 limp slowly to Pig #3.

Pig #3: *flatly* Oh look. My wonderful stupid brothers have come to pay me a visit. What do you hogs want? 

Pig #1: *wheezes* We…

Pig #2: *pants pants*

Pig #1: seek help…

Pig #3: What the hell for?! Your presence is defiling my home! Go away!

The Big Bad Wolf™: *saunters in* *purrs* Hello, little piggies…

Pig #1 and Pig #2: *screams* AAIIIIEEE!! *runs into house*

Pig #3: And you are?

The Big Bad Wolf™: Missster Wolf, from D.E Corporation. I'm merely selling some insurance… Such rich little piggies like you deserves only the best plans… 

Pig #3: Just how much money are we talking here… for… their *quick glance at house* beneficiary 

The Big Bad Wolf™: *purrs* A lot.

:: *flips script book frantically* What??

Pig #3: *smiles* May I see the plans?

The Big Bad Wolf™: Of course… 

Pig #3 takes a sheath of papers and enters the house.

Audience: … …

Pig #3: Dear brothers, I have come to an agreement with the evil wolf. Sign these forms and he will leave you two alone.

Pig #1: Really?

Pig #3: Trust me. *smiles benevolently* Sign here and here.

Pig #1 and Pig #2 places trotter-prints on the papers. 

Pig #3: Good. Now help me boil some water… for dinner… 

Pig #2: Ooo! What are we having, Dra- erm brother?

Pig #3: Stew. 

Pig #3 exits the house and hands over life insurance plans to TBBW™. 

The Big Bad Wolf™: I get 80 for this.

Pig #3: 10.

The Big Bad Wolf™: *sneers* 60.

(bantering continues)

:: *weakly* And… cut… narrator take over…

~@~

Ah-hem.

The pig and the wolf finally agree to split the lump sum of payout where the wolf gets 35%, since he will be receiving a hefty commission for snagging the deals and for meeting his quota for the month. 

Pig #3 sends off a sad letter to Mother Swine stating her two other sons have met with an unfortunately fatal accident. The letter states something about a pot of boiling water and falling down the chimney. Naturally, she happens to be too busy planning for another high society ball in the barnyard to ask HOW and WHY.

~@~  
*click* :: Dismiss… *click* *staggers off the set* 

So filming day is over and everybody goes back happy, although slightly uncomfortable by the ending. Voldemort gives Albus the 'evil eye', whatever that means, and returns to his hideout. 

Lucius and Draco give each other a rare hug before pulling away hastily because (insert quote) 'a Malfoy does not show emotions in public'.

A/N: The end! Hope you like it. Stay tuned for the next one: Cinderella. *snicker*


End file.
